Last night I finished a complete copy of my book.  I should have been very happy and proud of myself, having seen something through to the end and having a sense of accomplishment but I don't.  In fact, I ended up in such a bad mood today at work that I stuck my foot in my mouth so many times that I'm surprised I didn't get fired. 

An employee that seems to always want to get out of doing their work - at least when they're working on my shift from what I've seen - seemed to be pulling the same old tricks, trying to distract me by not telling me everything that was going on as they were finishing up.  I wasn't in the mood for it but neither of us seemed to be able to express ourselves for the other to understand.  So I have a manager talking to me and each time they opened their mouth the employee would talk at the same time making it very difficult to hear either of them which I made a comment about.  That was when I heard the comment that it must be hard for me.  I said it was only when they were around and went off to do some work.

Coming back I heard them say to the same manager (who happens to be a very good friend of said employee) that they wanted off the schedule and didn't want to work anymore and that's when I let my happiness over that decision be known.

Now, I take full responsibility on my part in the whole thing to the point where I was very understanding to the write up going in my file.  I knew I was wrong with a few things, letting myself be goaded and not just turning away and leaving it alone.  This was all I thought happened.  I was told a short while later that the employee was leaving and that I needed to sit down with another manager.  Fine, I thought.  So as I'm sitting in the office, discussing how to make sure this doesn't happen again - because I really don't want to go down that road again - and the manager is filling out the report when I see them type that the employee in question was asked to leave because they PUNCHED THE WALL!!!! 

All I could think was when did this happen?  I saw the damage but didn't put two and two together.  I've been part of altercations in other work environments and watched a lot more and not once, have I ever seen someone resort to physical violence even if it was towards an inatimate object.

I feel humiliated over the whole thing and I'm disappointed in myself for letting my work down by acting that way.

Later on when the next shift came in, a lot of jokes were made and everyone was laughing about the whole thing but I don't like it that it was due to me.  Plus, I still have to have a chat with my GM. Not looking forward to that.  I've been assured by the other managers on that day that the issue is resolved, I've been talked to and as far as they're concerned, it's done but God, I feel dumb.

I know someone who is going through some pretty shitty things.  He's fallen into old habits and suffering from horrible panic attacks and even though he's denying it, he's also pretty far down on the depression scale.  He's also my editor - well, was my editor.  An email arrived last night telling me that he's done.  Instead of telling me the truth, that he just couldn't do it anymore, I'd be fine but he's been spiraling down and attempted to grab on to me and drag me along for the ride.

I'm not the greatest writerby any means but after his read-throughs, he told me that he was excited to help me, that it was a great idea and all I needed was a little tweaking and I'd be ready to shop it around.  Well, he's changed his mind about all of that.  I've upset him by not taking into consideration his changes suggestions but he's also said that I can't just take what he's given me and copy it word for word.  I'm confused because I thought I was taking everything he gave me and using it.

He also let me know that the city I live in sucks and that being here (he's not from this country) seems to suck the life out of him.  When I dared to take offense to the things he was saying about my choice of city and the fact that I was defending it, he proceeded to tell me that I needed to talk to other people he knew because they were right.

This is what I have to say to all of that.

Suck it.

First, you're not an editor, nor have you ever been employed as one.  We were each doing the other a favor - me by getting someone to help me and you by having something to do.  Until I'm told by a professional, I'm going to continue to believe I'm doing a good job.  You tell me that I'm not listening to you but the book is still mine. How can it be mine when you're changing the style of writing or the characters themselves?   You're upset with me because I'm trying to take your suggestion and still make it my own?  We talked about this and now it's a problem.  There's definitely a communication problem.

Next, if you hate this place so much, go home.  Not only will you find employment but you can get the help you will very soon realize you need.

And last, I know you're not happy but that's no reason to drag the rest of us along with you.  I have been managing my depression and other problems very effectively the past 6 months and I know there'll be setbacks and it's not always going to be easy but I'm doing it. I'm making the effort to be a happy person.  I remember all too well being in the position you're in and wanting everyone around me to feel just as crappy  as I did and saying any mean and hurtful thing I could think of (and believe me, I came up with some doozies, so bad I'm still apologizing for it)

So, nice try but I'm not falling for it.  Until I hear that you're getting help, I don't want anything to do with you.  I tried to be there as best I could but you took advantage of that, promising me things you had no intention of following through on and stringing me along.  Each time I've tried to tell you about something good you've countered it all with something negative.  You say you've been through this before and know what to do about it, well, do it then.  So far it's all been talk. Show me you can do it.  Don't worry, I'm patient because I know it takes a long time.

When you're ready to move up and have taken steps, let me know.  I'll be on your side.  Until then, there's no way I'm going back.  The feeling of actually liking myself is really nice.